This blog started as an opportunity to share my physical voyages with friends and family, and has become a record of all kinds of journeys that happened to be best expressed in the context of my travels.
June 27, 2012:
Brittney, Rachel and I couldn't have asked for better weather for our mini-trip to Brighton Beach. It was gorgeous and sunny and almost warm (June is winter in Australia). We walked a long ways along the beach, but I hadn't worn proper beach-walking shoes. I tried to avoid the sand and at one point, I got my feet stuck between two rocks, fell backwards into the sand (as gracefully as I could manage) and would have laughed a lot if my foot hadn't still been stuck. In a situation like that, it's best to just accept that you're going to fall and go with the flow. If you struggle, you end up getting hurt. I got my foot out unscathed, but sadly my shoes weren't so lucky. Which was tragic, considering I'd only bought them a few days before.
We took pictures with the famous beach huts and had a wonderful picnic on the beach. I managed to get a sunburn.
On our way back to LaTrobe, we decided not to pass up on the opportunity afforded to us by the weather and went to the Eureka Skydeck, which is the highest public vantage point in the Southern Hemisphere. I had gone up on my first trip to Australia in 2010 and taken the freaky box that has tinted glass and moves out over the city where the glass suddenly turns transparent. I decided not to do it again; the views from the observation areas were gorgeous enough.
It was fun to identify many of the landmarks I had visited already over the past few days.
When we returned to LaTrobe, we got ready for Ronnie's graduation/going away dinner which turned out to be a 'liquid dinner'; I had a bit too much to 'eat'. Everyone had a really good time; we went out to a bar in Melbourne called Billboards. On the way, we met these gentlemen on the metro:
Apparently they were rockstars. We were too busy taking funny-face photos to care too much, but they were kind of scary. Our first stop was a bubble tea restaurant to use the washroom:
And finally, we met a rocker on the side of the road while Shae went in to fill her Burger Jack's craving (or whatever the Australian version of Burger King was called). He was really talented, so we danced to his music in front of him and he let us take a photo with him!
Finally, we arrived at Billboard's. We got free champagne when we went in and I can't help comparing this night to Macklemore's song, "And We Danced"...
...with fewer incidences of sparkles and tight pants.
After spending my summer learning about intersectional feminism and lamenting Harper's policies, I couldn't help but discuss these issues with my fellow Canadians. Shae and I had some opposing views and Brittney was a bit worried that we weren't getting along, but I think Shae and I were on the same page that academic debates are just for the fun of debating and aren't personal. In any case, things changed when I got into the security van on the way back to LaTrobe.
The security van driver didn't give me enough time to put my seatbelt on before he left, so as he flew threw the streets on the way to the residence, I struggled to buckle up. Unfortunately, he rounded a corner really quickly before I'd figured everything out and I flew off the seat. This is not hyperbole. I mean this literally. One second I was in my seat fiddling with the seatbelt, the next I was in the air at the same level as my seat too shocked to react, and I finished in the same seated position on the floor with a thud. The driver didn't even blink. Shae forgot all about our opposing political positions (until now). I forgot all about the security van until the next morning...
June 28, 2012:
Brittney picked up Caitlin from the airport this morning, so I spent the morning attemping to recover from the previous evening's festivities. I had dreams about drinking bottles of water, I was so dehydrated. Caitlin's flight was late so I got ready to make Canadian breakfast-for-dinner and prepared myself mentally for the "Down Under" wax I had agreed to, considering all the time I was hoping to spend in a bathing suit for our East Coast tour. Jay and I met Brittney and Caitlin at the salon; Jay and Britt were brave enough to try getting Brazilian waxes (in France, there is a style of bikini wax called the "metro ticket" or the "American" which I stumbled across while trying to see about eyebrow waxing).
Brittney's roommates had taken turns cooking traditional meals from their home countries and it was Brittney's turn, so for Canadian breakfast-for-dinner we served maple-glazed back bacon, home fries and French toast with maple syrup. It was frantic trying to make sure everything was prepared at the same time for twelve people, but totally worth it. Dinner was followed by a game of King's Cup and then salsa lessons courtesy of Luis. It was the last party at LaTrobe for the year, but once we got in line, Brittney didn't feel so well, so her and I went home for the night (I was still recovering from the previous night) and left Caitlin to have some Australian fun and to get to know Jay.
June 29, 2012:
The day after the Ex party was a total write off. Caitlin and I decided to get our souvenir shopping out of the sway so we went to the Queen Victoria market downtown. I managed to find something for everyone, which was awesome. The Aboriginal art is the coolest.
You have to be careful to check that it's certified though, because there are a lot of look alikes where the money you spend doesn't go to the Aboriginal artists.
We went for dinner with Brittney to the Asian Beer Café at Melbourne Central for $4 small pizzas. We got five so we could mix and match the different types: pumpkin, barbecue, meat lovers, plain cheese, and curry. The curry turned out to be incredibly spicy but it was good once I got over the burning sensation in my mouth. Brittney and Caitlin were not as keen to eat it. I was skeptical about the pumpkin, but it was surprisingly really good. Australians seem to put pumpkin in and on everything! We did a short tour of the city, but Caitlin started crashing after her night out. She couldn't overcome the onset of jet lag so we went back to LaTrobe and got some rest before our mini-trip the next day to the Great Ocean Road.
June 23, 2012:
Still jet lagged, I spent most of the day in bed reading. Britt was studying and I really wasn't up for going out on my own to Melbourne because of the distance by tram, but we went to Nando's for dinner with Corinne, Jay, Shae, Georgia, Whitney and her mom. I thoroughly enjoyed the meal and the company. This was my first time at a Nando's and it said was a Portuguese-inspired restaurant. Everyone was obsessed with the peri-peri spice. Afterward, Whitney's mom treated us to the film Snow White and the Huntsman. I was shocked that the movie was actually not terrible. I'm not a big fan of Kristen Stewart, but she almost managed to show some emotion in this one. Charlize Theron and Chris Hemsworth made up for her performance. In total, I was only confused by the final scene and the conclusion of the romance.. which is generally a pretty important part, I would say.
Anyway, when we got back to LaTrobe, we went to the "hot plates" which were literally concrete tiles that were heated by steam from the residence heating system or something. They were located in the common area between residence towers and there were people gathered there to say goodbye to Amy and a Canadian named Brandon from Calgary. There were two American guys who were unbelievably obnoxious. It's like they were cut out of the surfer-boy mold and were forbidden to stray from the stereotype in any way. All of the Americans Brittney was friends with seemed really cool though. It felt strange being introduced to Brandon at his going-away party. Everyone is at the end of their journey and I am at the beginning. It makes for complicated introductions.
Santiago, Brittney's roommate in whose room I'd been staying, came home before we left for the hot plates, but he gave me the use of his room for another night.
June 24, 2012:
Today was a similar story. I had intended to go out and do some exploring, but I woke up really late and decided to finish the book I'd started the day before. I showered, repacked my things, got to know Santiago better, cooked stir fry with Brittney and generally attempted to entertain myself which she studied (which is never difficult). She had an exam the two following days, so I am hoping to brave the city on my own or to meet up with some of my Australian friends from iRYLA.
"Enjoy your youth. You are never younger than you are at this very moment." -- Chad Sugg
June 25, 2012:
I travelled the city solo today! I took advantage of Brittney's copy of the LonelyPlanet guide to Melbourne. I needed change to pay for the tram and since I didn't have any, I went to the only place I could see near the tram stop... McDonald's or "Macka's" as it's lovingly referred to in Australian slang. In France they call it "MacDo". In Canada, it's "Mickey Dees". I feel like the American's have their own name for it, too. I ordered an ice cream cone for $0.30 that I wasn't really hungry for and fortunately, after I'd paid, they realized the machine was broken down so they returned my $0.30. I'm sure I could have just asked them to make change for me, but I hate wasting people's time. This way, I got my change and didn't have to eat it too (or something like that)!
I started at the Botanical Gardens which were spectacular. The first attraction there is the Shrine of Remembrance where some of Brittney's friends claim to have peed once upon a night out... a couple of them even snuffed out the Eternal Flame. Queen Elizabeth II lit it herself in 1954 or '55. I'm so glad I went into the building at the Shrine, though, because I learned that during WWII, the Japanese conquered South East Asia (which I really should have known) and that the stereotypical Australian outfit (the whole outback look) was their uniform for the infantry that fought in Papau New Guinea.
It turned out to be totally useless in the conditions of South East Asia and wherever they fought in attempt to stop the Japanese. Australia got bombed and everything. The Americans also fought there to defend Australia and in retaliation against the Pearl Harbour bombings (it was one of their primary motivations for getting involved in the war). Who knows what the world would look like if Japan hadn't bombed America?
The rest of the gardens were beautiful and it rained on me as I walked through them. All of the plant species look different from Canadian vegetation. Bamboo is apparently a grass that often comes from one core that remains underground. A whole pack of bamboo shoots would be just one plant. Bamboo also flower once every hundred or so years, and then they die. All bamboo plants tend to do this at the same time -- the synchronicity of living things -- just like the school of tuna fish in Finding Nemo! I read about it in the book I'd been reading, Angels and Demons by Dan Brown. It just confirms my theories about energy frequencies and how connected the universe really is.
After that walk, I visited the Carlton neighbourhood which is also known as Little Italy in Melbourne. The architecture there was great -- it was clearly Victorian/Edwardian (maybe it wasn't so clear, after all, because I couldn't tell you which or if it was a mix!). I stopped at a restaurant called Bernutt for some pastries that were well-worth the trip. When I go somewhere I haven't been before, I like asking the people that work there what their favourites are because they're more likely to know what's good at that particular place. The ones I chose were recommended by the young woman behind the counter.
When I got back to Brittney's, I made myself dinner and watched the TV in the common room. Santi took me for a walk around campus, pointing out the good places to hang out and what the different buildings for used for. He has some genuinely awesome ideas for community development and agriculture in Mexico. He explain to me that because of the draught, Australian farmers developed farming strategies that work under harsh conditions and conserve water which they continue to use even though the draught is over. Even in places rich with water such as Canada, these sorts of strategies would be excellent for conserving water, where it's been proven unnecessary.
Just being in another country and talking to people from other countries can teach you so much. I don't know why there aren't more partnerships between countries when they clearly have information that would benefit everyone, especially when the environment is such a global issue... but what do I know.
This post is definitely in a different register and tone than the last one, but I sincerely enjoy writing about my trips, and I thought I would share another one that I was fortunate enough to participate in.
One of my best friends, Brittney, begged our highschool friends and I to come to Australia to visit her while she was on exchange there. She even buddied up to my Mum asking if I could come. After a few months of telling people I was "potentially" going to Australia in the summer, my Mum asked why I kept saying "potentially"... if I wanted to go, I should go. I hadn't wanted to set my heart on it because I knew I had my own exchange coming up in the Fall, but with this, Brittney started planning up a storm with her friend Jay for a two-week road trip of the East Coast. I planned to spend two weeks in Melbourne with her first, exploring in case she needed to finish exams, and then we'd set off with one other friend of hers who would be joining us that she knew from Guelph University.
On June 19, 2012, I boarded a plane. The posts starting here are all to do with this trip.
Day 2: June 20, 2012
After my 32 hour flight/travel time yesterday, I was super exhausted and a little motion sick. On the first flight to Dallas, I sat next to a 3-year old boy named Seamus who was adorable and chatty. After 15 minutes, he tried to tell me discreetly that he loved me. He will be a huge ladies' man one day. All of the flights were fairly uneventful. I had some sinus pain from my sinusitis and the changing air pressure which was particularly uncomfortable. Thank goodness the doctor told me I had sinus cavities in my forehead or I would have been concerned that my head was cracking open.
On the flight to Australia from LAX, I finished reading The Secret Life of the Bees which was excellent, and I watched The Godfather (amazing film) and Albert Nobbs (excellent acting, awful film in general). My luggage didn't make it onto my final flight, so it didn't come in until today, but I always pack the necessities in my carry-on. Britt met me at the airport and took me on a bus and a tram to get to the Bundoora campus of LaTrobe University where she studies. We then did some shopping and bought groceries with her friend, Jay, who is originally from Barrie (attends UOttawa). She's doing the East Coast trip with us. Brittney lives in my dream-student-life scenario: she shares a kitchen with twelve students of various nationalities... practically L'auberge espanole...
Her friend, Santiago, is travelling this week, so I'm using his room until he gets back. We made kangaroo burgers for dinner and I was so exhausted that it was like a mental challenge to eat the burger -- not to mention the jaw pain from my jaw click. I went to bed at about 8pm and slept through a 5.4 Richter-scale earthquake. It was the biggest in Melbourne in 30 years. Thankfully, I slept straight through to 7.30am, but managed to sleep until 9am. Britt's roommates seem nice. There is Ronnie (Aussie), Louis (Mexican), Luke (Aussie), Nina (Russian), Santiago (Mexican) and many more that I have yet to meet!
Day 4: June 22, 2012
Today was a complete waste thanks to the events of yesterday. Brittney and I spent the full day in recovery mode. We started out early yesterday morning by taking the tram to St Kilda beach in the pouring rain. We walked up the pier and along the deserted beach and then gave up on the weather and went for lunch to warm up and dry off. We forgot to bring an umbrella. I love the ocean, though, so I didn't mind too much. It was the wind that got to us.
I feel some sort of connection to water, despite my aversion to swimming pools. I much prefer lakes and oceans.. but I don't particularly love beaches and the sun. Figure that one out. A city with a harbour might be the ideal place for me to live.
We had lunch at a pay-what-you-can restaurant called "Lentils as Anything". It's vegan and everything was delicious. We split a curry platter and a Japanese "pizza" thing we couldn't pronounce. Our server was cute. Despite the general "encouragement" to try to snag an Aussie guy and bring him home and the fangirl-esque adoration by Canadians of any guy with an accent, I hadn't anticipated being attracted to every man in this country (and truthfully, I haven't been). It's not an anomaly here, and I think Canadians are pretty awesome ;)
On our way back to La Trobe, we stopped quickly to pick up something from the convenience store and I gave the cashier a purple bank note, thinking it was $10 AUD, but it was a $5. We had a good laugh about it. Obviously I was confused because Canadian $10 bank notes are purple and fivers are blue and it's the opposite here. After showers to warm us up and dinner, Brittney and I headed to one of her friend's residence halls to hang out and play games. I had never heard of drinking Jenga before. I met another couple of Canadians and a few Americans who we went out with to a bar called Billboards. Every guy at this bar danced. I must take a moment to lament 90% of North American guys (in my experience anyway)... what is the stigma around dancing?! And I feel that it is necessary to point out that "grinding" does not count as busting a move.
However, the guys all stayed in groups while they danced, kind of like girls tend to do in Canada and only danced with girls they knew. You can't have everything. In general, it was a really great time except for having to cab it back after missing the last tram.. and today my feet and body are so sore from all the dancing.
We went for dumplings today for the going away of Britt's one friend. It my first time having dumplings and they were delicious! Being so close to East Asia, Australians seem to have a lot of Asian-inspired restaurants and they all look delicious. Britt and I walked through downtown Melbourne afterward. The Yarra River is gorgeous and it was not too cold out so it was a nice walk.
It's a bit strange to be introduced to all these people who have been getting to know each other since the beginning of their semester, especially since most of them are saying goodbye to each other.
Saturday, March 23 at 9:50pm, Meagan died in a car accident. Maybe she swerved right to miss something -- the police think it might have been a deer -- corrected the wheel to the left and crashed into a tree. It went right through the drivers' side door and crushed her so badly that they wouldn't be able to make her look like herself. Her friend, Brittany, lived long enough to tell the police officer their names and then she also passed away. I hope Meg died instantly. I hope the fear and confusion she felt while swerving were replaced by a flash of all the love she had ever given and received in her life before her essence split into a million particles of energy and found peace.
I was sleeping when it happened. I woke up early Sunday morning to Skype Hattie, but Andrea was on Facebook chat and told me I had to call home. I thought it was strange that both her and Mum were online at 5am Canadian time. The urgency of her messages concerned me. They wanted to know if I was alone. I was. My immediate worry, if it was something bad, was that something had happened to Dad or my grandparents. It didn't occur to me that anything could happen to Meagan. She was supposed to be invincible. Mum said later that maybe she had used up her nine lives already and we hadn't known it.
Mum told me about Meagan in the same tone of voice as she had used to tell me about Grandma Marie's death when I was 7. The violence with which I began to cry was overwhelming. I couldn't get words out of my throat, it hurt so badly. My door was wide open and my roommates had been asleep. Sissoko came in and I choked out what had happened. Maybe the universe was trying to send me some sort of "comic relief". Sissoko would definitely be the character used for laughs in the sitcom of my life, if it ever happened. He told me that this was "hard" (dur), like me, and that I would have to accept it. Morgane came in next and held my hand. Alex was last and was so horrified, he couldn't really say anything and had to leave after a few minutes. My friend Maddy came over, as she had planned to do in order to Skype Hattie, and I just fell into her arms.
Mum and Andrea had contacted Danielle, hoping she would make it to my apartment before I called home. When she arrived, it was such a relief not to have to tell her. I told Hattie over Skype why I couldn't call her. She passed the message on to a few people and became the source of information for everyone that I left behind, which was a blessing because it gave people in France an opportunity to send me their best wishes after I left. I called my parents again -- I had decided to leave on the earliest flight possible, but they convinced me to leave Tuesday morning instead so that I could settle everything before I left. Alex made coffee and said he knew I didn't drink coffee, but he didn't know what else to do. I booked my flight home in "Premium Economy" which was cheaper than regular economy, but we had no idea what it meant. Danielle helped me cancel hotels and other things, which was really just something to do. She insisted that I take a shower.
The running water covered the sounds of my grief. I don't know how long I stayed there lamenting how much Meagan had looked up to me and every single possible thing I could think of. My body was wracked with pain. It wasn't in my chest, like I would have imagined, it was all in my throat, but I could feel it everywhere. I needed my family. Picturing the scene of my Mum opening the door for the cops, Andrea coming downstairs after Dad when Mum said it was bad. Mum yelling out, "Is she dead?!" and the cop answering yes. My family collapsing, literally and figuratively, and sitting down on the steps behind the front door. We are no longer the same people.
I hugged Meagan before she left for move-in day at Humber as if I would never see her again. She almost left without hugging me, but I called her back and held her in my arms because I was leaving and I knew I wouldn't see her for seven months. I was being over-the-top, just to be silly, kissing her on the cheek a few times. I didn't realize I would never hold her again. I can confidently say the last words we said to each other face-to-face were "Love you", but it hurts that I can't remember the last time I saw her on Skype. I messaged her on Facebook chat a few days before it happened, and we were making plans to see each other when I got home.
Eventually I had to pull myself together enough to wash and dry myself off. It turned out that letting it out like that helped me pull it together for most of the day. I started packing, I participated in a carnival in our neighbourhood with Danielle and my roommates dressed in random things,
I ate dinner at Arthur and Louise's (broccoli soup which was just about the best comfort food ever), I watched Django Unchained with Danielle and showed her photos of my family. I asked her to stay overnight.
On Monday, I closed my bank account, I finished packing, I had Olga over for a picnic lunch, I printed my flight information, Alex and Morgane cleaned the kitchen, Morgane spoke to the residence concierge, I had tea with Olivier and my other friend Morgane (who baked me chocolate chip muffins), I met with Quentin to say goodbye and told him through tears what had happened, he convinced me to come to Club Rock later to say goodbye, I informed the International Department of my departure, I bought souvenirs and went up to Fourvière hill with Danielle, Jack and Jamie made us pancakes for dinner and brought us Ferrero Rocher (even though they didn't know), and I went to Club Rock and said goodbye to Adrie and Mathieu after dancing a few last rounds with my favourite partners.
That night, Danielle and I stayed at her host family's house in Chapponay and watched music videos. She made me toast with peanut butter and bananas. When we turned out the lights, I tried not to cry while thinking about how long it would be before I would see my family.
In the morning, we dropped off the girls at school, grabbed almond croissants from the local award-winning bakery, and made it to the airport. We had to adjust my bags to even out the weight and then we hugged for a million years before I went through security. I cried in the waiting area and couldn't focus on the children's book Olga had given me as a gift.
The first plane ride was hell. For an hour and a half there were no movies and not enough space to read. There was an empty seat between me and another man who must have been uncomfortable with my attempts at silent grief and the quantity of toilet paper wads I had used to blow my nose building up on my lap. I brought a whole roll with me, just in case. I think maybe grief is the attempt to give out all of the love you intended for the person you lost, through tears. I think the pain you feel is really the sensation of so much love leaving you that it hurts -- or maybe so much love coming to you from the dispersed energy of your loved one that you can't handle it. During the layover I tried to call home and couldn't get through, texted Danielle, called Hattie for a long chat and ate loads of chocolate.
Four hours later, I boarded the long flight looking rather rough, to put it nicely, in my plaid shirt and green toque. The air hostess smiled at me when she looked at my ticket and I couldn't tell if she was genuinely smiling, doing it as part of her job or if she was inwardly laughing at the incongruity of my appearance and my seat number which was practically the front of the plane, almost First Class. I was backwards next to the window with a divider between me and the guy next to me in a reclining seat. Am I ever grateful for that! I tried to distract myself by reading, watching movies, eating, whatever, but I knew I couldn't attempt sleeping because my thoughts all made me weak. A few times I snuck into the bathroom to have out a proper cry while everyone else was sleeping.
The thought that Meagan might have been wearing the "sisters" necklace when she died, the one that I gave her for a recent birthday, set me off for ages. And the thought of being with my family was a constant trigger. It was painful because I knew it could never be my whole family and also because I couldn't get to them any faster. I imagined her death all the possible ways. I didn't really know any details at that time. Maybe she had been awake, in shock, thinking about us while lying in the ditch, so scared before she passed into darkness or maybe it had been instant and she hadn't had a chance to feel or think anything. I hurt for my family who were hurting. I tried to get off the plane slowly, because we had landed early, but I was only fourteen rows back and there were hardly any people in that section of the plane to wait for. I texted my Mum. They were half an hour away. Without trying, I made it quickly through customs and my bags were some of the first ones off the plane. I waited for a while on a bench in arrivals.
Normally, Meagan would have been the first one to find me. She would have been miles ahead of my parents and while I was watching for them, I mistook another woman for her. In the span of half a second, I went from feeling total elation to being crushed by sorrow and grief. I really need glasses. I pulled out my toilet paper and cried openly. The people next to me must have thought I'd been forgotten ... or that I was unstable. I saw my cousin Rachel and my Uncle Jeff and called out to them, but they went in the other direction. There was nothing for it: I put on my massive backpack, tied my coat and purse around my suitcase and rolled up behind my family. I barely managed the words, "Hey strangers" before we were all in tears hugging each other. Andrea and I hugged like our lives depended on it -- and they did. We promised to get tattoos for Meg.
My Dad was coughing, trying not to cry and saying "I call bullshit!". We must have felt almost relieved, but there is no relief in grief. Everything is only slightly better than the worst. I have no words for how it felt to see my Mum. In fact, that whole moment of seeing them all was only love. We laughed because the people around us must have thought that no one was happy to see me, we were all crying so hard. The range of emotions that can be elicited by grief doesn't fit in the Hollywood narrative.
I felt a sense of peace on the ride home that I hadn't felt since Sunday morning. The whole flight, I had been thinking, "Please get me to the ground safely", and my parents had been thinking, "Please get us to the airport safely". Being together made it easier. Andrea and I took sleeping aids and decided to sleep in the same bed.
*****
It started before I got out of bed -- people were at our house to pay their respects, bringing baked goods and casseroles and food, telling about their own lost loved ones, trying to offer comfort where there was none. The whole week was spent looking for silver linings, but every one we found was a paradox -- all of this potential happiness was only possible as a result of Meagan's death. Mum said that Meagan would have said, "At least...".
We looked through all of our old photos and laughed through tears. We chose photos for the visitation. People shared stories about Meg we'd never heard. We were receiving upwards of 20 cards a day. We felt like Vernon Dursley with the Owl Post, waiting for the weekend when there would be no piles of letters to open. Andrea chose music for the visitation. My high school friends came to support me. Saturday, twelve hundred people came to see us. I saw my friends from St Catharines and Milica, who drove from Windsor with her father to hug me and give me a card signed electronically by my friends in France and around. I met Meagan's friends from Humber, saw her childhood friends and her ex-boyfriend. Apart from that, the day was a blur. We were running on adrenaline and hugs. We were numb. No one could say anything to make it better, they could only love us and that they did. Sunday, our house was quiet and there was time to think. I wrote my eulogy.
On Tuesday, we put on our purple, Meg's favourite colour (almost everyone at the visitation wore purple and they had hosted a purple day at the high school in honour of Meg and Brittany), and drove to the funeral home. We cried when we walked in, just as we had when we'd walked into the visitation. If our home was overflowing with flower arrangements, it was sparse in comparison to the chapel. My Aunt said it felt like Meg's wedding. And it was. It was all of her important events rolled into the visitation and the funeral. My Uncle Brian did the service. I had raised my eyebrows at the built-in tissue box holders for the pews, but when it started, I didn't think they were so silly. I didn't want it to end, because that meant time hadn't stopped and we would have to continue on. Talaira and Andrea sat on either side of me. The funeral home gave us angel pins to wear with our purple ribbons. Eventually, I had to take the stand:
"Whenever someone in our family jokingly said something like “You’re crazy” or “You’re weird”, my smart-aleck answer was always “I practice on Tuesdays”. No one but Meagan thought this was funny.
As a big sister, you’re expected to be the role model, the one that is looked up to. I thought I was living up to this expectation by doing well in school, being involved in clubs and being “easy” on my parents, most of the time. Meagan thought it was a big secret that she wanted to be like me.
But I’ve realized that Meagan was the real leader in our family. Ron Hubbard said: “To love in spite of all is the secret of greatness. And may very well be the greatest secret in this universe.”
Meagan loved everybody no matter what they put her through. She had to work hard to follow in my footsteps for all of those things that I thought were important, but love came naturally to her.
Reading through all the messages that have been left for Meagan, I’ve realized what an incredibly giving person she was. Everyone remembered her as the friend who was willing to reach out to people who didn’t yet have any one. Mum always said that because of her ADD, Meagan wore her nerves on the outside. She felt love more intensely and more deeply than anyone else, and so she gave love the way she felt it.
On Tuesdays and every day, I’ll practice to be the kind of person she was. I aspire to be compared to Meg, my role model for a life filled with love."
My voice cracked half-way through and I had to take a break to hug my Mum (her hugs are magic) before I could continue, through tears. Mum followed. Uncle Brian concluded with a section of her obituary that Mum had written and we played a DVD of one of her dance solos. Everyone left in tears. It was the perfect tribute to an amazing girl. We took home some of the flowers and reconvened at our house for a party in her honour.
*****
As life has resumed this past month, it has been the hardest. There has still been a ton of business to attend to and letters and visitors have still been coming, but everyone else's lives have been continuing. No one has forgotten about us, but we're finding that we have to learn how to keep living, too. We watched Andrea dance her first solo, called "Home":
and she has gone back to school. Some days, I am fine -- others, the smallest things can set me off. A photo, something I want to tell her, the date... I am never prepared for those moments. We cleaned out Meg's room at Humber and donated most of her clothes. We found the necklace that I had remembered on the plane and now Andrea wears it. That was a hard day. All of our favourite photos, most of which we had put into the slide show for the visitation or had put in frames around the house, were also her favourite photos. She had them hanging everywhere in her dorm room. Her door was covered in tributes from her friends there. She was having the time of her life at Humber. She was just coming into her own and really being appreciated for what a thoughtful, loving person she was.
I've finally started to experience some of the reverse culture shock they told me I'd go through, but I didn't really have a chance to settle into "normal", everything happened so quickly, and so maybe I won't really notice the things that have changed about me for a while. Most days, I don't even want to go in public. Music and television shows and movies all seem to speak to our pain in some way. There's something to be said for wearing black as you mourn. It's really hard when you come across someone who doesn't know what you're going through, because it's not possible to say it to them, to explain why you don't feel "normal".
Through all of this, I feel that it's necessary to have a grateful heart. So many people love us. We know Meagan knew that she was loved. We have had nothing but support and empathy from those around us since this began. None of this can fix anything, but it helps us to bear the hurt as much as it can.
Now when I'm asked, "How are you?", I can honestly reply, "As good as I can be."
Hug your family for me.
Much Love to You and Yours,
As my faithful readers may recall, at the beginning of my exchange, my friend Chantal gave me an International Bingo card to complete. I'm going to go through each one and include a picture or link to a post about what I did. Otherwise, I'll just write "to be continued..." because I don't like giving up!
1. Eat escargot: To be continued... (Not making a great start here).
2. Go dancing: I wrote this into one of the blank spaces Chantal gave me and I thought it would be really easy, but I'm actually really glad I wrote this one because it encouraged me to take it to the next level and get involved with the Club Rock on campus. I wrote an initial post about joining the group here. It turned out to be an opportunity for me to make great friendships, learn new styles of dance, go out for soirées just to dance...
...to perform in front of the ENS student body at a gala...
...and to volunteer at an international dance competition. My dance instructor at the ENS was ranked second in the world for ballroom dancing (and she was crazy modest and awesome) and my whole experience has encouraged me to take up Swing Dancing as soon as I can. Getting involved with the Club Rock was one of the best decisions I made during my exchange and it wouldn't've been the same without my partner in crime (and my occasional dance partner when there weren't enough guys), Hattie Bowen.
3. Kiss a Scotsman: Bonus points for being creative?
4. See a French film without subtitles:Les Demoiselles de Rochefort and L'ensemble, c'est tout.
5. Participate in a protest/demonstration: I went above and beyond here. My first "demonstration" was in support of gay marriage in France, and it succeeded! (Check it: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-22261494) and my second demonstration I accidentally stumbled upon while I was in Lisbon which was protesting austerity measures imposed by the EU, as seen below.
6. Indulge repeatedly in amazing food: I wrote this blogpost for this one, but if I'm honest, my blog is practically a food blog. So much good food!!!
7. See some less popular sights: I'm sure I saw many. The one that stands out as less popular and incredibly unusual was the sculpture park in Oslo, Norway. Talk about a sculptor with repressed sexuality.
8. French-kiss a Frenchman: All this nonsense about finding European boyfriends and I couldn't even manage this one! I guess we'll classify this as "To be continued..."
9. Eat an éclair: I wrote a whole post about this one here.
10. Take a pastry class: While I didn't take a pastry class, I did receive a French pastry book as a present from Claudia for my birthday. I'm going to say it counts.
13. FREE!!!!
14. Find an Amazing Handsome Guy for Chantal: I sent Chantal many pictures of eligible candidates, but she didn't seem to be interested in them. I can't understand why...
Maybe because they are both married... but what about this guy?
Too hairy? Last chance:
What's that? Soccer players cry too much? Alright, I give up.
15. Go wine tasting: Did a little wine tasting in Porto. And with just about every dinner.
16. Get good grades: It depends when you met me, I guess, whether or not this will surprise you, but I did really well in my classes. My friends from home will say, "Like this even needed to be on here!" except maybe Brittney who knows that when you go on exchange, other things seem much more important than school. My friends who met me during my time at ENS can attest to that! In any case, I got the credits that I needed to finish my Bachelor of Arts (my licence, the French equivalent) and I will be starting Teachers' College in the Fall. That will be an adjustment.
17. Make an International friend: I made a few... and I hosted most of them at my Thanksgiving dinner in October.
18. Make friends with a local: I made a lot of French friends through the Club Rock and even stayed with a few, as I talked about in my most recent posts about Marseille & Caen, not to mention my roommates!
19. Have a wild and crazy night: Our night in Leeds ranks up there, as well as quite a few nights in Lyon ;)
20. Play "Rules" with my International friends: In my posts about my trip to Australia, I talk about the invention of this great game, which appears to be a cross between King's Cup and Thumbmaster... in any case it is extremely fun and I managed to squeeze it in just before I had to leave. We played on St. Patrick's Day, so it was an international crowd and it was fun times had by all.
Setting up the game (with Canadian playing cards!)
After the first round?
After a few rounds?
21. Kiss an Englishman: You can see that Chantal's mind was a little pre-occupied ;) "To be continued..."
22. Have a romantic moment at a national landmark: "Romantic" is up for interpretation here. I'm going to go with the classical definition when referring to literature. A "romantic" novel features a lone hero riding about in the rain on horseback being tragic and awesome at the same time. This was basically all of my trips, except that I was with my friends... so I'm going to go with my final trip to Paris on my way home from Caen. Hattie left me to visit her godmother, and I wandered the streets of Paris by myself for a few hours. I came across the Pont des Arts, which is covered in locks that have people's names written or carved into them. The idea is that they put the lock on the bridge as a symbol of their eternal love and throw the key into the Seine. I didn't do this, but referring to my previous definition and being alone at the time... how much more romantic could I get?
23. Write Chantal a lengthy letter and snail mail it: I wrote this post about writing letters home. I love mail and letter writing (and writing in general), so this was too easy! My favourite letter that I received was a package covered from top to bottom, except for the address, in regular-sized stamps.
24. Take a shot in every country using my Canadian shot glass: I failed this one right from the beginning, having only spent 19 hours in Poland for a lay-over... but I did try my best to make use of my Canadian shot glass. On my tour of Ireland, for example, I used it to take shots of ecchinacea (medecine!) on the bus:
25. Keep a travel blog: SUCCESS!
Overall I'd say it was a successful trip. As a score, 21 out of 25 (if I'm being easy on myself) doesn't seem too bad! Especially when 3 of the ones I missed involved kissing people of different nationalities... and besides... I wouldn't kiss and tell! ;)
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