I have not written in a while because I have not 'travelled' in a while - though I did just return from our annual family holiday to Florida which was lovely. I did nothing (except for watching Christopher Robin) and...
Doing nothing often leads to the very best something. See #ChristopherRobin in theatres August 3. pic.twitter.com/LCxCLZAfNP— Walt Disney Studios (@DisneyStudios) July 4, 2018
On the plane home, I was having the urge to write and be creative for the first time in ... years? I have a deep love of learning and chose to pursue my Masters of Education, hoping to explore some questions related to my teaching career. I was happily hired full-time this year for teaching and had to adjust my plans related to my Masters. I still enjoy the courses, but the schedule has been gruelling. Just before the March Break, I came to the realization that I have not have a break from work since September 2016 (when I enrolled in my program) where I wasn't required to complete homework or to research and it made me feel exhausted.
This week back has also been really hard. I've shared the experience of my sister's sudden death (here) in this blog as it constituted the end of my exchange to France, and I shared my experience of grieving (here) while taking my first solo trip since that trauma (and learning about my mental health).
So here we are. Today it has been 6 years since Meagan left. And I have been trying really hard this year to grow accustomed to all of the changes I've been experiencing. So this post is about that journey.
What has been challenging was the decision in November, after a summer where I rarely got to rest, to give up on my thesis and switch to a course-based program to complete my degree. I really liked me supervisor. I was really interested in my research topic. And I only managed to spend one week doing research throughout the summer. Once school started, it was not going to happen. I changed schools. A new staff and school community to adapt to and a new full-time schedule.
In December, I lost all of my research notes when someone stole my external hard drive (along with all of my photos since high school - thankfully I had printed out all my favourite travel photos to put in albums, but farewell to any photos that I had not printed or saved on Facebook), my running shoes with my orthotics in them and my iPod from 2007. So, not only was all the research I did lost, but I couldn't use it for my courses. The only saving grace was that I sent versions of my thesis to my supervisor that survive in email archives.
Also challenging was giving up weekly visits with Nicole's son to the library when my course started in January.
Though I adore my class, there are students struggling with a lot who have not been adequately supported by the system and are now 7 years into their school career. It has been a lot of personal time and a lot of pressure to advocate for them and to get them the support that they need. And now we can add the stress of possible job action in the face of massive cuts to education, especially in special education, where students like those I am trying to help get their support from. It's demoralizing.
I have been responsible as the President of my Rotary club for closing it down because of declining membership. I had to navigate Canada's tax laws concerning registered charities and play phone tag to learn that, despite institutional legend, we had not been incorporated since 1994. The customer service representative asked me questions about that time as if I wasn't 4 years old which made things awkward.
I have also been responsible for managing the back-end of a website for an organization that I love, but it has been very stressful because website upgrades cost a lot of money and I am not a web developer or even remotely qualified for this responsibility. I just happen to be the most qualified, currently, of our organization. I've had to limit my responsiveness in order to maintain my weekly responsibilities and to avoid feeling overwhelmed.
Beginning in April, I am going to have to put a hold on voice lessons (my weekly pleasure activity) until July so that I can attempt to finish two courses at once.
I think the worst part has been feeling like I have to put everything on hold until a future date when I can feel the kind of balance I felt after counselling. The things I want to do personally and professionally and the people that are important to me keep getting sidelined for this degree. I have considered quitting my Masters. But the courses interest me and the discussions interest me and the people in my courses and their experiences interest me. Ultimately, I will try to finish, but it will take until next April (2020) and I will continue giving things up until then.
Maybe it's helping (or maybe not), but I created a list of the things I'd like to do after I'm finished. I think it mostly makes me annoyed at Instagrammers who come to the cafe where I am doing *work* and take videos of the cafe as if they have nothing to do but entertain followers. Stop rubbing it in my face that you could do anything on my list right now but instead you're worried about curating the perfect life!
And okay, like half of this is catching up on shows, but I would also do wholesome things like checking out Hamilton's waterfalls and volunteering. I would rejoin the Rotary/Rotaract family! Maybe I would return to swing dancing (which is another casualty of this Masters gristmill). I would definitely be reading Healing the Adult Sibling's Grieving Heart. Maybe I would learn all of BTS' choreography!
(Honestly, I am tempted to follow the advice in this song and not just the choreo: /Live however you want, it’s yours anyway/ Stop trying, it’s okay to lose/ Throw your hands up, scream, burn it up/ It’s on fire.)
BTS has been a high point in recent years. Becoming a fan led me to new friendships and a sense of belonging to the A(dorable) R(epresentative) M(Cs of) Y(outh) or ARMY; encouraged me to continue learning Korean; and introduced me to a new musical universe that collides with strange ways with the music I have loved forever.
Recommendations for RM - A thread— ARMY tess 💜🇨🇦 MetLife 05.19.19 (@taeronto2013) March 14, 2019
And I know that Meg was screaming happily in the crowd with me when they came to Hamilton in September 2018. One of their special "inside" habits with fans is to say "Borahae" which means "I purple you". It's because they think that purple, as the last colour of the rainbow, shows how enduring their love for their fans is and vice versa. I connect because purple was Meg's favourite colour and our love is also forever. Also, she would love their body rolls. Just saying.
And their messages about self-love and stuff probably, too. She'll be screaming with me again in New Jersey in May 2019. When things have been especially difficult, mentally, this year, I have been comforted by them and encouraged to persevere.
Jimin's song Promise reminds me to accept both light and dark sides of my experience:
I say that it’s all fine
The truth is that’s a lie
...
I want you to be your light, baby
You should be your light
So you won’t hurt anymore, so you can smile more
I want you to be your night, baby
You could be your night
I’ll be honest with you tonight
...
Now promise me
Several times a day
Even if you feel that you are alone
Don’t throw yourself away
Hold on for a momentSo I hold on to all the things I am grateful for.
Intertwine our pinkies
And promise me now
In October, I was so happy to have Brittney (of the Australia-related travels in June/July 2012 fame, of the England for New Years in 2017 fame, and a friend I have cherished since high school) move in with me upon her return to Canada. It has filled a big need for having company that I enjoy on a regular basis. I'm so grateful for her.
There are some amazing people who I get to work (or play) with in various capacities who I feel close to and supported by. I am grateful for Kim, Rochelle, Arthur, Becky, Lisa, Celine, Nehal, Nancy, Kristy, Sarah, Matthew, Kim Erin, Kerry, Salwa and others (it's after midnight, so please forgive me if your name got lost in the swamp of my thoughts).
I wonder if it's related to getting older, but I also feel that I can comfortably reach out to friends I haven't seen in months and get together as if no time has passed. There is no awkwardness and we are just genuinely happy to fall into meaningful conversations. I'm grateful for Lauren, Gianluca, Emma, Heather, Alexandria, Talaira, Nicole, Danielle, Hattie, Chantal, Chris and others. Your conversations hold me up.
I also took the initiative last summer to use an app to find friends in this city. I love it here, but it is a big small town and many people that I meet have friends here already because they grew up here. I was lucky to meet Amanda who also loves Harry Potter and travelling and we do Zumba and other stuff together which I love. I'm so grateful for her, too.
I have an amazing trainer, Marco, who holds me accountable for coming to the gym and working hard. It is a bright spot in my week to be able to laugh while making my body stronger and it is a critical part of my mental health strategy. My students keep me active, too, but it is slightly less fun to work out with them.
I'm grateful to Sarah, my wonderful vocal coach and friend of 5 years, who takes care of me nearly every week. We're singing this song right now and crying a little at how beautiful it is:
I'm grateful to Dr. Goodfellow, the TMJ dentist who introduced me to Dr. Mohamed and Katrina to stop me from grinding my teeth in my sleep (which was actually a breathing/swallowing problem). They have relieved chronic pain and headaches I had been experiencing for at least a year and gave me hope that I can get restful sleep without a night guard (when other things like anxiety aren't interfering).
I'm grateful for my class who challenge me and inspire me and teach me to ask new questions. I'm grateful that they trust me and that their parents trust me. Together, we've done some pretty cool stuff and they have been willing to try new things with me, including role playing the House of Commons (most recently). I've been able to open up to all of my students about Meagan, usually long before I'm comfortable to do so with colleagues or new adults (but that has been generally easier after 6 years of practicing). This group has given me the opportunity to teach them about the importance of mourning and speaking your grief out loud.It's been difficult and also healing to do this with them, the same way that teaching Phantom of the Opera to a group of high school students and exploring Christine's grief was a healing experience during a teachers' college practicum in 2014.
I'm grateful that I will get to be a part of Heather's and Danielle's wedding celebrations (which will include another trip to the East Coast, hopefully also to encounter some new places and adventures). I'm (mostly) grateful that there are no Masters courses running in July and August so I will have a real break from all kinds of work. I'm grateful that I have a job where I get to make a difference to people and that I am respected and treated well by my colleagues and principal.
Most of all I'm grateful for my family who love me and who keep Meagan here by speaking her name. Andrea created a beautiful video that literally makes me cry every time.
Something I have learned about and have begun wanting is a rite for Meagan. Having a memorial dinner (Meagan's might consist of Joe Louis, apple sauce on toast, and rice krispie squares) or visiting a grave site or some other mourning rite that expresses outwardly the recurring pain I feel. This year, we will simply have dinner together as a family, but I will keep you posted.
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